The Uzumaki Naruto Fanclub
by vladimira-chan
Summary: Naruto's rabid fanclub members are out to win his heart. Meanwhile, Ino's being diabolical, Kakashi's getting annoyed, and Sasuke is...mad? Crack NaruSasuNaru fluff. Oneshot.


**A/N: Yay for downright crackiness. At least it's in character, right?**

**Disclaimer: Naruto and all his crazy fans are (c) Masashi Kishimoto.**

**Warning: Shounen-ai kiss. Insanity. Cameo appearance by Itachi beware of nosebleeds.**

Hyuuga Neji completed his Henge no Jutsu, concealed his chakra, and teleported to the secret location with a quiet pop.

It was Thursday night, and he didn't really want to know what he was doing here. One way or another, he was part of the Uzumaki Naruto Fan Club, which meant that he was attending weekly meetings. He was starting to feel that his 'respect' for the younger genin was a little over-the-top, until he remembered the _other_ members.

As always, Neji was punctual. No one else had arrived yet, other than the president of the club, who glared sullenly from behind bushy eyebrows and green spandex. Neji bowed informally in greeting. "Hello, Gai-sensei."

Of course, the President wasn't the _real_ Gai-sensei; the meetings were completely anonymous and held while all the members were disguised as various ninja. Neji smoothed down his dress—why the heck did Kurenai wear _this_ thing, anyway?—and turned to see that three others had arrived.

"H-hello, Kurenai-sensei, Gai-sensei." So came the disturbingly muted voice of Konoha's feared copy-nin, from behind a mask that still did not hide the shyness of its wearer.

Next to Kakashi stood a shorter chuunin, looking far too sappy for Iruka; his voice cooed as he delivered his greetings.

The last to arrive was a kunoichi whose clumsiness seemed to belie her serious expression. Whoever was under Tsunade's body was having problems balancing her endowments.

Gai cleared his throat frostily and sent a death glare to Iruka, who looked frightened and pulled out a notebook. The academy sensei began scribbling as the President called the meeting to order.

"Gai-sensei," Tsunade called when the President was finished with the opening formalities, "Naruto-kun's birthday is in eight days."

Gai glared (Neji found himself glad, for the first time in his life, that his real sensei was so cheerful) and sniffed. "Yes, Tsunade-sama, we are _all_ aware of that. Your point?"

"I propose that we all give Naruto-kun a collaborative gift. This is something I created in my spare time."

Tsunade unveiled a life-size statue, made entirely of sand, of the blond genin in the Hokages' attire.

Appreciative gasps came from all around, but Iruka stalked around the sculpture. "Tsunade-sama, why is 'Happy Birthday—Love, Gaara' written on the side of this _collaborative_ gift?"

Gaara-Tsunade shot a glance at the President. "Gai-sensei, Iruka-sensei has just violated statute 347 as dictated in the by-laws, page 235, footnote two, which dictates that a member must never reveal the identity of another member."

The scarred ninja looked affronted. "Gai-sensei, I would advise that you also read page 235, footnote two, endnote six, where it is stated that accidentally exposing identities which are obvious and badly hidden is not subject to punishment under the 347th statute."

Neji rolled Kurenai's eyes. And he'd been worried _his_ obsession was over-the-top?

Apparently the President was every bit as exasperated. "Shut up. We'll all get him individual gifts. Next?"

Unsure of his idea, Neji raised a hand tentatively. Gai sighed again. "Kurenai-sensei?"

"I vouch, as the spat between Iruka-sensei and Tsunade-sama seems to have shown that our divides are growing, that the President hold a challenge of sorts."

Gai raised an oversized eyebrow but allowed the curly-haired kunoichi to continue.

"As it is rather obvious that…_certain_…members of this assembly have a very pronounced romantic interest in Naruto-san, I propose that they spend the week before Naruto-san's birthday in an attempt to convince Naruto-san to go on a date with them. Whichever member is fated to win shall do so by being the first that Naruto-san agrees to go with, and that the rest of the members will stand down in Naruto-san's best interests."

Gai looked as stormy as ever, but the rest of the group seemed to agree with Neji's thought process. The spandex-nin shrugged. "I approve this motion. Kurenai-sensei will be in charge."

Neji smirked, raising his voice commandingly. "All right. All members interested in participating, stand over by that wall over there." A rustle of clothing ensued, and soon Kakashi, Gaara-Tsunade, Iruka, and—to everyone's surprise—Gai—stood at attention. Neji ignored the President's glare, which was between anger and embarrassment, and began inventing instructions.

"You are all free to ask Naruto-san on a date any way you deem necessary. You may not use violence, blackmail, mind-control, Sharingan or anything of the like. You may not bribe him with ramen. You may not use jutsu of any kind. You may not kiss him unless he initiates it. You may not eliminate other contenders, or tell him about the challenge. Everything must be accomplished before midnight, one week from now. Understood?"

Iruka looked smug, Kakashi looked petrified, Gaara-Tsunade looked determined, and Gai's expression could freeze fire. They all nodded.

Neji smiled, noting quietly how the expression seemed less foreign on the jounin's face, and waved a hand in dismissal. "May the one who is so destined win."

Tenten tried to control her laughter from behind the old warehouse's wall. Unless the fake Kurenai was purposely attempting to disguise his or her personality, she knew _exactly_ where Neji went on Thursday nights. Oh, the opportunities for blackmail.

However, the kunoichi broke out of her reverie when she heard Iruka scream and Tsunade growl. Trying to suppress a shudder, she recalled Gaara's performances at the Chuunin exams and decided that, as her good deed for the day, she had better give Naruto some advance warning.

One, two, three, four, five. Tenten counted the pops that signaled the members' exits and finally left for Ichiraku's.

* * *

"Naruto!"

The blonde genin turned to see Sakura, dressed in her shortest tunic, grinning as she ran over to hug him. He looked confused, but that wasn't all too remarkable; his smile only grew wider when she ordered twelve bowls of ramen for him and offered to pay.

"Wow, Sakura-chan! Have you finally decided to go on a date with me?"

The pink-haired teenager bit her lip, sensing victory. The moment Kurenai had suggested the challenge, she'd known she'd win.

"You have, haven't you?" Naruto grinned even wider. Sakura blushed.

"Well…I just had something to ask you—"

"N-Naruto-kun?"

Sakura bit back a curse as Hinata looked down, ready to faint. "I-I was just wondering if you wanted to have r-ramen with m-me tonight."

Despite the rage clouding her mind, Sakura couldn't help but be impressed at Hinata's bravery. Naruto, however, seemed puzzled. "Sorry, Hinata-san. I have to train with Sasuke-teme." Looking unsettled at the expressions on the two girls' faces, he sped to the entrance.

"Ow!"

Naruto stood up, scratching the back of his head as the expression on a brunette kunoichi's face went from angry to somewhat pleased. "Oops—"

"That's okay, Naruto. I just had something I needed to tell you—" she broke off nervously at the murderous expressions on Hinata and Sakura's faces. Naruto seemed to notice as well, because he ran off. "Sorry, Tenten-san. Later, okay?"

* * *

Yamanaka Ino took another sip of her tea as she cleared her throat, successfully gaining the attention of around thirty mostly civilian girls who milled about outside the Yamanaka flower shop.

"I have received very reliable intelligence informing me that the target will be out training tonight by the bridge where his team meets." She allowed the news to sink in, punctuated as it was with screams, squeals and wardrobe discussion. Banging her spoon against her teacup, she continued. "Those who wish to attend will—_stealthily_—arrive at the aforementioned location by six. Understood?"

Murmurs of assent reverberated through the crowd. Ino nodded seriously. "All right. Tonight's meeting of the Uchiha Sasuke fanclub is dismissed."

Her eyes curiously took in the lack of her pink-haired associate—Billboard Brow had never been known to miss a meeting—but she shrugged it off. Less competition for tonight, when she would finally win the icy genin's heart.

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke tensed slightly as Naruto arrived at the bridge, loud as ever. He shot the blonde a death glare and sent him a low whisper.

"Quiet, dobe; we're being watched."

The drama of the scene was enough to keep Sasuke's teammate from erupting with anger at the offhanded insult; he shot his eyes around, finally catching sight of a group of girls standing shakily not too far away. They fixed their hair and giggled loudly; Naruto couldn't help but snicker. "Wow, Sasuke-teme. You're afraid of a load of civilian fangirls."

"Dobe. Not them. Someone's over behind that bush; her chakra's hidden, but she's a ninja."

Naruto turned; he didn't notice anything out of the ordinary, but nodded. Sasuke activated his Sharingan, much to the ecstasy of his admirers, and let his eyes scan the area.

"We're supposed to be training. Get your kunai out," he ordered. Naruto pouted. "Why do you get to boss me around?"

"Shut up and do it!"

The Uchiha heir ducked the blonde's first throw, using the fight as an excuse to stalk around.

"There are two more in the bush; one of them hasn't bothered to hide his chakra. Seeing how much of it there is, it's probably the Sand demon."

"Gaara?" Naruto's interest was piqued. Sasuke didn't reply. "I don't know who the other one is, though…"

Naruto pretended to sidestep a shuriken and lazily threw one of his own. The training pretense was going badly, but at least no one had fled yet.

"Ha! Caught one you didn't, teme! There's a kunoichi coming up behind you!"

"I know; it's Tenten." Sasuke didn't seem fazed. "Ino's over by that tree."

"Naruto-kun!" The brunette called to the younger genin from behind Sasuke. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

* * *

Hinata focused her Byakugan on her cousin's teammate, relating what she saw to Sakura and Gaara. "I-It's Tenten. It l-looks like she w-wants to talk t-to him…"

Sakura tensed. Could Tenten possibly be the fourth contender? "Do you know what they're saying?"

"S-sorry, th-that's a Sharingan ability."

Sakura sighed, supposing she should have known that, and turned to look at the redhead in their midst. "What should we do?"

Gaara pulled out a small, clear box. Inside was a house fly, desperately trying to escape in a daze. The pink-haired girl snickered. "You're going to woo him with a fly?"

The sand demon glared. "It's one of the Aburame's." Silently, he pushed it into the ground, where it was swallowed by sand. The box resurfaced where Tenten was waiting for Naruto. Hinata immediately caught on to Gaara's plan.

"I-Isn't it k-kind of m-mean to s-set destruction b-bugs on T-Tenten-san?"

* * *

Ino gnashed her teeth together as Sasuke continued training with his sandy-haired teammate. He spent too much time with the other boy, and it wasn't hard to tell that both were unwilling. Naruto's blatant lack of respect for Sasuke infuriated the Yamanaka—if she could, for just _one_ _day_, be in Naruto's place…

An evil smile crossed her face as the plan formed before her.

* * *

Naruto, unsure of what else to do, starting chucking kunai at the bugs which had swarmed Tenten; both she and the bugs dodged them artfully. Gritting her teeth, the kunoichi shouted something about a fanclub and going to find Shino, and ran. The Uzumaki shrugged and walked back to Sasuke.

* * *

"Our biggest competitor at the moment is the Uchiha."

Sakura was slightly taken aback. "What?"

Gaara leaned back on his hourglass and crossed his arms. "When Hinata-san decided to ask Naruto-kun on a date today, what did he say?"

"That he would be here…" Green eyes widened as the genin took in what the Sand-nin was saying. She turned to the Hyuuga heir on her right, who was very focused on Naruto. Sakura had an idea of what exactly Hinata's Byakugan was probing, but decided not to press the issue.

"Hinata-chan, listen to Gaara-san."

The dark-haired girl turned her pale eyes on the jinchuuriki and stared as he explained his plan. Sakura nodded in approval.

"Operation Exterminate Uchiha Sasuke is now under way!"

* * *

Ino paced around the Yamanaka compound, trying not to chew her thumb off. Her plan was _brilliant_—just _brilliant_—but there was one big problem.

The mind-body jutsu required its target to remain still for a long amount of time, and the kunoichi knew that was not one of Naruto's strong points. Walking in circles which were rapidly decreasing in diameter, Ino considered her options.

She could walk up to Naruto and tell him to be still for a while—she could pretend to be sketching him! The kid was so full of himself he would probably buy it, too…but to sketch she would have to hold something in her hands, reducing her ability to perform her jutsu…and what about her body? She'd have to leave it in Shikamaru's care. And Sasuke was no idiot—he would probably be able to see the excess chakra with his Sharingan if Ino made him suspicious enough. That also meant that she would have to keep the Uchiha from activating his bloodline limit—taijutsu only, then. She headed for the door: she would have to observe Naruto for a few days and then go see Lee about physical attack techniques.

Oh, the things Yamanaka Ino did for love.

* * *

After training the next day, Sakura, Hinata and Gaara sat in a triangle by the roots of a tree; they were accomplishing nothing, since none of them could figure out how to separate Konoha's number one rookie from his best friend. Finally, the Hyuuga heiress spoke up.

"W-well, w-what does S-Sasuke-san w-want to d-do the m-most?"

"Kill his brother." Sakura rolled her eyes when Gaara tensed. "Good one, Sand-boy. We'll just drag Uchiha Itachi away from the Akatsuki to lure Sasuke out for the time it takes for one of us to win Naruto. Brilliant!"

Gaara shot her a dangerous look. "It's called a Henge no Jutsu."

Hinata tapped her index fingers together. "T-That's r-right. W-We could pretend t-to capture S-Sasuke-san. J-Just for a l-little while."

Sakura studied the blade of grass in front of her. "You're right…but Akatsuki work in pairs, and we only have three people."

Hinata blushed a deep shade of pink. "K-Kiba-kun and Shino-kun would d-do it if I asked th-them."

Gaara shrugged. "Kankuro and Temari have nothing better to do."

Sakura nodded. "Okay…so we get the four of them to capture Sasuke-kun, and then it's a free-for-all on Naruto."

The Hyuuga chewed her lip. "I g-guess."

* * *

"You're kidding."

"Temari…"

"Okay, but the guy better be hot."

"Narcissist."

"Kankuro!"

"This coming from the one who makes out with puppets of himself."

"_Temari!_"

"Yeah, Kankuro, shut up. We're doing a favor for our wonderful little brother."

The jinchuuriki rolled his eyes. "Stop arguing! Now, will you do it or not?"

A silent moment ensued as Gaara's siblings exchanged dubious glances. Finally, Temari shrugged. "Sure, what the heck."

Gaara sighed. "Okay. Kankuro, you're this guy—Uchiha Itachi. Temari, you're his partner, Hoshigaki Kisame."

"Ew! No way!" The spiky-haired blonde grimaced at the picture. "I said the guy had to be hot."

Her youngest brother cradled his head in his hands but chose to give in. "Okay, fine. You be the Uchiha. But look out, because our target is going to be out for your blood."

"Fun."

* * *

"Lee-san! Lee-san!"

Konoha's Green Beast turned around and flashed a thumbs-up at the blonde running to him. "Ino-san! How youthful! How does the glorious eternal rival of my true love fare?"

"Fine," the Yamanaka answered off-handedly. "I was wondering if you could teach me some taijutsu."

Gai's disciple grinned. "That would be the essence of this springtime, Ino-san! The key to taijutsu is hard work. We shall begin by running three thousand laps around Konoha!"

The kunoichi grimaced. "Er…yeah. It would be nice if I didn't have to do…all that stuff. I just need enough to pass for Naruto-kun for a little while."

Lee furrowed his extremely large eyebrows. "Why?"

"I'm being passionate in my youthful pursuit of love?" Ino offered lamely. Her instructor beamed. "That is wonderful, Ino-san! Would you like a green suit?"

"No thanks, Lee-san. Can we get started?"

* * *

Inuzuka Kiba tossed his blonde locks happily. "This guy uses great shampoo, Hinata-chan. What's my name again?"

"Deidara," Shino answered ominously. "And why do _I_ have to be this masked idiot? He fits Kiba-kun's personality far better."

"Thanks a lot, Shino. If you don't recall, you _chose_ him. Don't want to show your eyes, remember?"

"K-Kiba-kun, Sh-Shino-kun?" Hinata broke into what was sure to boil into an argument. "H-Have you studied th-their skills and p-personalities?"

Shino muttered mutinously from Tobi's body but nodded. 'Deidara' tried not to burst out laughing. "Yeah, we're set enough, Hinata-chan. Most we could do in four days."

"Th-thanks, guys," Hinata muttered quietly. "It m-means a l-lot."

Kiba grinned; the expression looked odd on Deidara's pensive visage. "Anything for a teammate."

* * *

Ino dragged Shikamaru to where Team Seven stood, their mission complete. Sakura was begging Sasuke for a date; Naruto was begging Sakura for a date, and Sasuke was glaring at nobody in particular. All seemed well. Sasuke left, reminded quickly by Naruto about their sparring session later, and Sakura headed home.

"Now, Shika," Ino muttered, nudging her teammate. With a murmur of "How troublesome", the boy walked out from behind a tree and elongated his shadow silently. Naruto didn't notice as he was rendered immobile. The blonde flashed a smile of thanks at her friend and began the mind-body transfer.

She remained careful, hoping he wouldn't register her presence; his willpower was probably enough to force her out. Trying not to scare the genin, she spoke in a loud, calm voice.

"Naruto-san. It's Yamanaka Ino."

_Ino-san? What the heck…hey, stay away from Sakura-chan!_

"I'm not trying to sabotage your relationship with Sakura…I just want to spend some time with Sasuke-kun."

_Ugh._

"Right. I'm really sorry. Just don't force me out until I'm done, all right?" Silence greeted her announcement.

"I'll buy you a week's worth of ramen."

_Deal!_

"Shikamaru, take my body to the Nara compound."

"Troublesome woman…"

Ino glared. Resigned, her teammate picked up the limp body and carried it away.

* * *

Sakura leaned her head closer to Gaara and Hinata and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper. "Naruto and Sasuke-kun are training together tonight. Naruto usually convinces Sasuke-kun to buy him ramen after that, so Kankuro-san and Temari-san are going to be hidden by the training grounds. If they do head to Ichiraku's, the Sand ninjas will meet up with Kiba-kun and Shino-kun there. Once Naruto and Sasuke-kun are done with their ramen and the target heads to the Uchiha district, our four will strike. Right?"

"Y-Yes," Hinata said. Gaara nodded.

"They will hold Sasuke-kun until midnight, when the challenge expires. That is the window of time we have to court him."

Gaara smiled grimly. "Yes. It will be…interesting."

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was graceful but distracted at he dodged another one of Ino's blows. Wiping a thin layer of sweat from his brow, he smirked at Naruto. Ino's heart skipped a beat.

"It's your birthday tomorrow, isn't it, dobe?"

Was it? Ino wasn't sure. She simply nodded. "Er…yeah. Teme."

Sasuke began walking. "I'll pay for your ramen today, then. Especially since I pummeled you in taijutsu training."

"Yeah, you totally did."

"Hn?"

"Er…_pummeled_? I won!"

"By _won_, do you mean miserably defeated, dobe?"

Ino vainly tried to keep herself from blushing. _She_, Yamanaka Ino, was about to go on a date with Konoha's number one rookie.

The fact that he thought she was somebody else was just a minor detail. She'd edit that out when she rubbed it in forehead's face.

* * *

Haruno Sakura cautiously made sure that Hinata and Gaara were nowhere in sight before approaching Naruto's carefree form that was striding down the street. Even under cover of darkness, the kunoichi was wearing a black hooded cloak. If her partners caught her breaking ranks, she could easily be included in the abduction ruse.

"Naruto!" Sakura hissed in a loud whisper. The blonde didn't seem to notice. Rolling her eyes, Sakura grabbed his shoulder roughly and shook it.

"Eep—forehead?" Ino bit Naruto's lip and inwardly cursed. "Er…sorry, Sakura-chan. What do you want?"

The pink-haired girl furrowed her eyebrows. "Um…do you want to go out with me sometime?"

Inwardly, the Yamanaka felt Naruto emanate shock. Slightly confused, she smiled at Sakura.

"Sorry…no." Ino regretted it as she saw her rival's face fall. As much as she despised the other girl, Sakura was still her former best friend. The purpose of this was not to break her heart.

Tears began gathering in the kunoichi's green eyes, but they were fake; Ino could tell. After all, she'd taught Billboard Brow everything she knew. However, she sensed that Naruto was ready to kick her out of his body, so she hastily tried to make amends.

"It's not that, Sakura-chan—"

"It's the forehead, isn't it? I'm ugly. You don't want me because I'm ugly!" The salty wetness continued to stream down Sakura's face.

"Oh, no, Sakura-chan! It's not that! I just…like someone else!"

Immediately, the waterworks ceased. Shock was etched plainly on the kunoichi's countenance, slowly being replaced by realization.

"Oh. It's Hinata, isn't it?"

"No! Not Hinata…"

"Tenten? _Gaara_?"

"What the—no, no! It's…it's Ino!"

Naruto was plainly furious; Ino began whispering soothingly. "Ramen…ramen…free ramen…"

He calmed down. Sakura grabbed Naruto's shoulders and screeched.

"_Ino-pig?_ You've barely ever talked to her, Naruto! What are you thinking?" The blonde tried not to smirk; talking about herself was her forte.

"But Ino-sama is so beautiful…and talented…and sweet. Don't you remember that she was the one that made you believe in yourself?"

Sakura tried to control her rapid breathing and punched Naruto before Ino could dodge. "Fine! Waste your life on some superfluous pig! See if I care!" She ran away, sobbing.

_INO-CHAN!!_

"Sorry, Naruto! You can fix everything with her after I get my date with Sasuke-kun, okay?"

Grumbling, the blonde was silent all the way to Ichiraku's.

* * *

"_Yamanaka Ino_?" The voices of Hinata and Gaara were incredulous as Sakura broke the news.

"That's what he said."

"M-Maybe he w-was drunk."

"I don't think so."

Gaara looked as if he was on the verge of murdering someone. He stood up suddenly. "Sakura-san, Hinata-san, there is only one thing to do now."

"What?"

"Hunt down the Yamanaka and make her reject him."

It only took them a few minutes to find Ino's more active teammate. Grumbling, the Akimichi stuffed another three chips in his mouth and turned to face the trio. "What?"

Sakura didn't feel up to formalities at the moment. "Where's Ino-pig?"

Chouji shrugged, chewing quickly. "I don't know. Last I saw of her, she was yelling at Shikamaru."

Gaara began walking away. "Hurry up; we're going to the Nara compound."

The sole rookie chuunin didn't bother to look up when three extremely impatient genin invaded his room and began to shout at Ino. He kept his eyes closed, trying to fall asleep again, when Gaara turned on him.

"Nara. The Yamanaka's body is limp. What happened?"

Shikamaru sighed and looked away. Ino was troublesome; he was beginning to wish he'd been put on a team with someone less demanding. Like…

Well, to be honest, none of the kunoichi in his year were very easygoing. He opened one eye and stared at the redhead.

"She performed a mind-body jutsu."

Hinata refused to meet his eyes. "W-With whom?"

Quickly, Shikamaru analyzed the situation. If he told the truth, Ino would never let him off on it. If he lied, he'd probably create a very big problem. However, at this point, Ino was more troublesome. Shikamaru muttered the first name that popped into his head.

"Uchiha Sasuke."

Time froze in place. Hinata fainted. Sakura's jaw dropped. Gaara…acted like Gaara.

"It all makes sense now," the pink-haired kunoichi murmured ominously as her associate tried to revive the Hyuuga heiress. "Ino was the fourth contender, wasn't she?"

Hinata pushed herself off the floor of the Nara compound, Byakugan eyes shifting wildly. "I g-guess…"

The Sand genin immediately headed for the door, stepping out. "We need to hurry. It's almost time for Naruto-kun to arrive at Ichiraku's."

Tears streamed down Sakura's face as she tried vainly to compose herself. "What's the point? Ino-chan won."

"M-Maybe not," Hinata piped in quietly, her lilac eyes glowing. "W-We have to try. That's what love is, r-right?"

The three genin beamed. "Right!"

Shikamaru rolled over in his bed. How troublesome.

* * *

Tenten caught sight of Naruto heading to Ichiraku's. Jogging slightly to catch up to him, she found him far better groomed than usual.

"Hey, Naruto-kun. Going on a date?"

Ino paused for a moment. No, technically this was not a date, at least not to everyone else. Inwardly, she sighed. It wouldn't be a date, but Sasuke-kun would finally turn and look into her—Naruto's—eyes and see Ino behind them, and their love would blossom…and Sakura would burn with jealousy…

"Naruto-kun! You awake? So, date or not?"

"Uh…no. Just ramen with Sasuke." Dropping the honorific sent a tingling feeling through Ino's stomach.

Tenten smiled. "Good, then, because I need to tell you something—"

"Sasuke!" Ino ran over to the dark-haired boy and resisted the urge to jump on him. He smiled—actually _smiled_; her heart was fluttering—and sat down next to her.

"You better not eat too much, dobe. I'm not paying for twenty bowls."

"I'm a growing boy, teme." Oh, the things Ino would give up to be Uzumaki Naruto…

"YAMANAKA-PIG!"

Ino flinched as Sakura skidded into the ramen stand. Had Shikamaru given her away? She braced herself for the impact—and felt none.

Sasuke dodged his teammate's blow and quickly shoved her against a stool, kunai to her throat. "What the heck are you doing?"

"I know it's you, Ino-pig. Get your filthy _hooves_ away from my Naruto!"

Sasuke nearly dropped the kunai in shock. "Sakura, I'm not Ino."

Suddenly, Hinata let out a well-articulated screech. Four cloaked Akatsuki members jumped out from the shadows and grabbed Sasuke.

"What the—_ITACHI_?"

Ino leapt up from the stool and screamed, backing into the bar. Suddenly, wind from Temari-Itachi's fan swept through the store, sending everything flying. Chaos erupted in the ramen bar. Sasuke attacked Temari-Itachi, who countered him with her fan. Kankuro-Kisame came up from behind, immobilizing the youngest Uchiha. Shino's bugs swamped Tenten; Gaara came out from nowhere and threw Ino out of harm's way. She didn't resist when Naruto tried to force her out; desperate to escape the situation, she performed the necessary hand motions and muttered, "Release!"

Immediately, the blonde stood up and threw himself into the fight, creating enough shadow clones to take down the faux Akatsuki. Pulling out a kunai, he charged into Kankuro-Kisame.

Within seconds, the nine genin found themselves flat on the ground, Kakashi standing over them. Shino, Kiba, Temari and Kankuro were now in their usual forms; Hinata and Sakura blushed furiously while Gaara fumed. Tenten gasped as realization began to dawn upon her. Naruto looked confused, as usual, and Sasuke's glare was deadlier than usual.

Kakashi gaze wandered away from his book, his eye roving across the miscreants. "What happened here?"

After a moment, Sakura took a deep breath and began to explain.

"Well, Hinata-chan and Gaara-kun and I were all competing for Naruto's love, and we were trying to get rid of Sasuke-kun because he spent too much time with Naruto, and then we found out that Naruto likes Ino, and then Shikamaru told us that Ino—"

"Naruto likes Ino?" Sasuke seemed to be getting more annoyed by the minute. The blonde shook his head vigorously. "No, I don't!"

Gaara continued. "Nara told us that the Yamanaka had done a mind-body transfer with Uchiha—"

"But you know that part, don't you, Ino-pig?" Sakura glared at her teammate. Sasuke widened his eyes. "What the heck, Sakura, I'm not Ino!"

Naruto's eyes darted around. "Sasuke's right, Sakura-chan. Ino did the transfer with _me_…she got me right before I went training with Sasuke."

Kakashi's eye closed in amusement. "Okay…well, where do Tenten-chan and our false missing-nin factor into this?"

Hinata blushed furiously. "W-Well, we decided t-to m-make Gaara-kun's s-siblings and Shino-kun and K-Kiba-kun kidnap S-Sasuke-kun s-so that w-we could c-compete f-for Naruto-kun's love…"

Tenten was trying in vain to conceal her uproarious laughter. "Oh my Gods…you are all so pathetic."

"Yeah? Well, you're the fourth contender!" Sakura turned red as she shouted at the older kunoichi.

"No, I'm not! I followed where Neji went on Thursday to blackmail him, and I've been trying to warn Naruto all this time…"

Silence reigned over the ramen shop, save for Kakashi's chuckling. He stopped at the glares of nine genin and opened his eye.

"Well, okay…I guess we have to resolve this, then. Naruto, pick one of these genin so they won't be demolishing any more ramen stands."

The blonde looked overwhelmed and glanced madly around, looking for an escape. Suddenly, a deep voice echoed through the carnage.

"We should have the fourth contender present, too."

"Neji nii-san?" Hinata blushed. "W-What…"

"He suggested the challenge," Tenten explained, smirking at her teammate.

Neji glared at her, but shrugged. "So, if the leader of the Uzumaki Naruto Fanclub wants a fair chance, he or she should reveal his or her identity now."

Naruto looked around, willing someone less frightening than the available trio to appear, but none stepped forward. Kakashi shrugged. "Okay, well, Naruto, look's like you're going to have to pick from these three."

Naruto shifted his weight nervously. "Er…well…okay, fine. I pick—"

His breath hitched in his throat as two pale hands grabbed him and turned him around. Sasuke's lips crushed into his teammate's as his arms held Naruto in place. The other boy relaxed suddenly, locking his arms around Sasuke's waist.

Gently, after what seemed like an eternity, the Uchiha pulled away, gasping for breath. The stunned faces around him ranged from anger to sadness to barely concealed amusement.

Two tall figures in black cloaks stood up. One of them pulled off his hat, stalked up to Naruto, and glared.

"If you make my little brother cry, I _will_ kill you."

"Our orders were to capture him, not kill—"

"Shut up, Kisame. This is a family moment."

"So it's real Akatsuki this time? Ugh, whatever." Kakashi sighed and walked away.


End file.
